


Its to late to apologise

by Draug99



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. Spoilers, Angst, Clint whump, Fix-It, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, SHIELD Husbands
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-13
Updated: 2015-07-01
Packaged: 2018-03-12 05:17:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3345008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Draug99/pseuds/Draug99
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Natasha had said it was magic and monsters and nothing they were ever trained for. A sharp blow to the head and Clint was back with them and one stab wound later, Phil was not.<br/>If Fury knew that Barton would never forgive him for this then there was no way Phil would, and that was exactly why he had had to do it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first work and first time posting on here so please let me know if I have missed tags or done anything wrong.
> 
> This work is not beta read so all mistakes are my own. I'm a UK writer as well so any inaccuracies about america please forgive me and also I write using uk spelling.

Clint sat slumped against the bulk head staring numbly at the spot where Phil had lain. He should have known that there was no way that Phil would have not tried to go after Loki on his own. He would have done whatever it took to get Clint back. That was what he always said, he would never leave a man behind, and Clint was his. 

Clint sighed tilting his head back to rest against the wall with a soft thump. The logic was sound same as when they had been sent after robots, take out the control unit and the rest fall when the signal is cut. Take out Loki and the theory was that those under his control would be cut free. Tasha only had to stall him long enough for Phil to try and if it failed then Tasha was the only one who would be able to take him out.

But that wasn't how it had ended up as Tasha had said it was magic and monsters and nothing they were ever trained for. A sharp blow to the head and Clint was back with them and one stab wound later, Phil was not.

Chest heaving Clint buried his head in his hands fighting back tears. They had always known their job was dangerous. There were never any guarantees when they went out on a mission that they would come back. There had been so many close calls over the years to remind them of that but Clint had always thought he would be the one to go first. Now left on his own he didn't know what to do. Cut adrift, feeling like he was only one half of a whole that would never be complete again. 

Quiet footsteps and the swish of fabric told Clint that Fury had come and found him. Not that he had been hiding. He had been cleared by psych and could go where he damn well pleased. “what?” he grumbled turning to look up at the director, steadfastly ignoring how is voice tried to break saying that one word.

Fury leaned against the railing and didn't look at Barton, didn't winch at the sound of his voice oh so close to breaking. He knew why Clint was here, heck he had been the one to conduct their damn wedding and wasn't that a kicker. Clint sat staring at the place he thought his husband had died and Fury knew full well that he was going against every one of his best friends wishes by trying to bring him back to life. Fury rubbed at his fore head, and there was no guarantee that it would even work or that the Phil Coulson that woke up would be the same man he had been before he died.

Reaching into his pocket Nick closed his hand around the wedding band that sat there. He knew that this would be the final nail in the coffin, the one thing that would ensure that Clint would never forgive him if he ever found out what nick was doing. Drawing his hand out he finally turned to look at the archer “I believe this belongs to you now”

Clint had been watching Fury carefully seeing for the first time the man with his shields down letting the emotions he felt play across his face. Guilt, regret, and finally something that looked like the older man was begging for forgiveness. Clint felt his breath catch, if Nick was going to tell him that Phil was alive after all this he was going to punch him so hard... The thought died as Nick spoke and something small and gold was passed over. Numbly he reached out taking the wedding band that he knew had been his husbands. Running his thumb over the scratch caused by an attackers knife he clenched his fist over it and with out speaking stood and swiftly left. He refused to cry in front of the director no matter how close they had been, no matter that he had been the one to marry them after Clint had jokingly pointed out that he was captain of the ship and so should marry them.

Fury watched him leave and sighed. If he knew that Barton would never forgive him for this then there was no way Phil would and that was exactly why he had had to do it. The last thing he had wanted to do was lie to the archer. They had tried so hard to bring Phil back but time after time all he had done was beg to die. There was nothing they could do to convince him that Clint was alive and well. That they had managed to get him back from Loki and that he had gone out to fight with the rest of the team and won. A world without Clint in was not one that Phil Coulson had wanted to be in and Nick had been forced to wipe his memory. Taking away Clint and leaving Phil with a simple memory of a cellist that he had parted with and had moved back to Portland. It was a running joke between Clint and Phil, the story they had come up with for Phil having his wedding ring on or off depending on the mission he was running. It pained Nick to have to pervert the memory but god knows if there was such a thing as soul mates, and if Clint could ever forgive him enough to try again, there was no reason that if those two ever met again that they would not just fall in love all over again. And whilst he certainly would not be invited to their actual wedding, he had no doubts that the avengers would step up to take his place.

Sat slumped on the end of his bunk Clint slowly turned the ring over in his hand before reaching up to pull his own out from where is hung on a fine chain around his neck. He had always hated the fact that being on missions meant he rarely got to wear his own ring though he could not have been more grateful that this was something Loki had never gotten hold of. Equally agents were not allowed any distinguishing features in case they were captured by the enemy so Clint had never been able to get a tattoo to replace the ring so that he could always have that part of Phil with him. Now though he unfastened the chain and slid Phil's ring on to rest next to his before refastening it around his neck and tucking it back under his shirt. Lying back on the bed he felt the weight of the two rings nestle against his chest and rested his hand over them.

Clint and Phil had been well known to be in a relationship inside shield, after all when the director himself is the one to conduct the wedding no one particularly cared that it was not actually official. Everyone at shield accepted it as such and they were each marked down at the other medical proxy and all other legal paperwork that they could be allowed until New York finally got it's act together and made same sex marriage legal. But outside of shield no-one knew, and now no-one would. Clint had been looking forward to the day they could finally officially tie the knot and Phil's family could be invited and Tasha would have insisted on being the maid of honour. No-one outside of shield would know to give Clint time to mourn and with no official funeral being held due to as Nick had damn well said 'magical contamination I'm sorry Barton but you know the drill' Clint felt like he never even got chance to properly say goodbye.

Blinking back tears Clint stood and with one last glance around the room grabbed his duffel bag and bow case and left. There was no way he could face going back to the apartment he and Phil had shared and with Phil's ghost haunting the corridors at shield he had gratefully accepted Stark's offer to stay with him. He knew that Tony thankfully would not bat an eyelid at how little he was bringing with him, after all the man probably thought he lived in barracks or something. Tasha had already been to their apartment and grabbed the few pieces that Clint had wanted to keep before he knew the shield teams would be in to clear out anything important and then ship the rest off to Phil's family.

Clint had to move on, just add it on to the ever growing pile of loss in his life. He had a new team now one that Phil had worked hard to put together and that he had always wanted Clint to be part of. He would keep Phil's memory alive and keep doing what he had always hoped for him to achieve and one day maybe he would get to see him again. Maybe he would ask Thor when he saw him again, he seemed god like enough to know.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I re-typed this so many times I hope it ends up being ok. As always not beta read so any mistakes are my own but if you notice anything please let me know so I can fix it.

Life in the now renamed Avengers tower was almost like being back in the circus. A group of loud, individually talented people thrown together in order to create something special. Somehow they made it work, though it was by no means easy. At first most of them kept to their own floors which Tony had designed to suit each of their individual needs, or in places such as the labs, gym or range.

Bruce spent most of his time in the labm either on his own or working with Tony on who knows what but Clint was sure that half the time they were not even speaking English. At first he would only stay a short while before disappearing off into the world, his still constant fear of the hulk was slowly being tamed by Stark's constant poking and endless acceptance when the urge to run got to great. When he came back to find Tony proudly showing off the new hulk out room, where Bruce could safely let loose without worrying about bringing the whole tower, down he finally stayed.

Clint liked hanging out with Bruce, there was always an aura of calm around him that helped quiet the archers restless mind. Late at night he often found himself joined in the kitchen when the nightmares drove him from his bed. Bruce, Clint discovered, knew all too well how it felt to wake up and wonder how many people you were responsible for killing. Clint valued his understanding and support and offered it back as much as he could.

Steve was the next to arrive after touring around on his bike. Clint never asked where he had been knowing all to well the need to lay old ghosts to rest. The captain was a quiet presence in the tower, often to be found either in the main sitting room drawing or working out in the gym. Tony had put a lot of work into ensuring that the gym equipment could handle the more super powered members of the team and Steve regularly gave a punching bag a good working over when not out on his morning runs.

Thor, when he finally turned back up, split his time between the tower and wherever Jane was currently based. Thor was no where near as loud as Clint had expected him to be and he would happily spend hours regaling them with tales of Asgard. Thor had been unsure of how well he would be received given the chaos, damage and death that his brother had left in his wake. Whilst Clint knew he would certainly feel better if he could put an arrow through Loki's eye, at the same time he understood brothers that betrayed you and he didn't hold Thor accountable for Loki’s actions.

Nat was barely around in the tower, out on missions more often than not. When she was around though she had no problems taking advantage of Tony's hospitality. She simply said Tony owed her and Tony never disagreed. Whenever Pepper was around the two could be found curled up on one of the large sofas chatting and enjoying a cup of tea together. Equally she could be found meditating with Bruce on his floor or happily sparing with Steve in the gym. Clint wasn't sure if she was treating the whole thing as a mission and reporting back to fury on how everyone was doing. Though sometimes when it was late at night and Clint was fighting off nightmares she would slip into his room and sooth him back to sleep, keeping watch over him as they had done countless times for each other before.

Tony was well, Tony was Tony and that was about all that could be said. If he wasn't being dragged out by Pepper to some meeting or other he was down in the labs working on upgrades or new tech for just about everything and everyone. Whether that was stretchy pants for Bruce to hulk out in or new Widow Bites for Natasha the team was all used to suddenly finding gifts of new equipment. Clint hadn't been expecting anything, he was well used to shield providing him with all the equipment he needed and the range Tony had built was already much bigger and better than the one at shield. Tony though had simply turned up one day when Clint was on the range and watched him shoot before leaving and arriving a few days later with small flying targets which he had asked Clint to test. 

In the evenings most of them gathered together to eat or watch a film or just chill out with the TV on in the background. Helping Steve catch up on the various things he has missed over the years and educating Thor was endlessly entertaining. After all no-one was going to say they were to old to watch Disney movies or enjoy watching their reactions to star wars.

When one evening, they were simply sat around chatting with the TV on in the background, Clint was struck speechless as the news came on to announce that same sex marriage was now legal in New York. Steve had simply raised his beer, gave a small smile and said “good for them” whilst Thor was confused that couples were not already allowed to be with whom ever they loved. Nat had simply wrapped an arm around Clint's shoulders and pulled him to learn against her in a hug. When Bruce had asked Clint if he was alright Clint had simply shook his head, stood and left ignoring the stunned silence behind him. 

With a frown Steve looked at Natasha who cut him off with a shake of her head “its not what you think” she answered firmly before walking to Tony's bar, grabbing a bottle of vodka and two glasses, and following after Clint.  
Tony sat back with a low whistle “I never expected Barton to be the one with a problem with two guys or two girls wanting to get married, I always used to joke about him and Agent being attached at the hip and arguing like an old married couple”  
Thor frowned at Tony “I thought that Clinton and Philip were together? they certainly loved each other when I first met them”  
Tony waved his hand “Nah, Phil used to have a cellist before she moved back out to Portland. He and Pepper used to chat about her, I even offered to fly him out there so he could see her. Anyway don't Clint and Natasha have something going on?, I'm sure I have seen her leaving his room in a morning”  
“Natasha and Clint defiantly are not together” Pepper answered “she says he’s like a brother to her”  
Bruce leaned forward “did either you or Tony ever meet or see Phil with this cellist?”  
Puzzled Pepper looked back at him “no, why?”  
Bruce sat back “might be nothing just the look on Clint's face wasn't anger, he was sad” he raised his eyebrow at Tony “and cellist's play using a bow”  
“I guess that’s what Natasha meant when she said its not what we thought” Steve said with a rueful expression on his face.

When the next morning Clint emerged into the communal kitchen looking rather worse for wear no-one mentioned it. Natasha sat down next to him with a friendly bump of his shoulder and slid a plate of pancakes in front of him, whilst Bruce gave a soft smile and slid over a glass of water and a couple of painkillers. When Tony looked up from his stark pad and caught sight of the two gold rings, visible for the first time, hung from the chain they had all seen Clint wearing it was his turn to stand and leave without a word. Those two rings Tony knew were clearly both sized for a man, and last he had checked there was no funeral service listed as being held for their missing agent. Tony sent JARVIS digging into shield, Fury had better have had a good reason for that or else he was going to have a lot to answer for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is going to be phil and he is being a right pain to write so please bear with me as it might take longer for the next chapter to arrive.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait on this update. I have been struggling with keeping this as close to AoS as I can whilst obviously having to subtly add in the bits I need.  
> I ended up splitting this into more chapters than I had originally planned and as always its not beta read so please let me know if you spot any mistakes

Fury watched carefully as Phil went about picking his new team. So far the treatment seemed to have worked and whilst the new memories were not 100% in places Phil seemed to have been placated with explanations of memory loss after traumatic events and the amount of pain meds he had been on messing with his newer memories. Careful planning to keep certain groups of agents busy and out of the hub along with subtly worded suggestions appeared to have Phil on the right track for managing to build a team. Fury was making sure it contained agents who were all still young enough or had only recently been transferred to the hub to not be aware of Clint and Phil. The only exception had to be Melinda May who was well aware of the process Phil had undergone and would be keeping an eye on him for Nick.

Phil looked on with a small smile as he watched as his new mobile operations command (or the Bus as everyone called it) was loaded up. Lola in no way made up for Nick ruining his cards but he was willing to bide his time, it was always good to have an IOU to cash in. He took a deep breath and sighed as he felt the now familiar tug on his chest. Whilst fully healed now he knew that he would never be back to his previous fitness levels needed to run strike teams, and though he would miss being part of Team Delta they were avengers now. Absent mindedly he rubbed his thumb over his ring finger, not being able to tell the avengers he was alive was unexpectedly hard. Level 7's like Clint and Natasha would know and he was sure that Fury had expressed on them not to tell the others. Stark and Rodgers were like oil and water and Phil knew that him staying dead would be necessary until they had bonded or else they would risk breaking the team apart.  
Driving Lola up the ramp Phil looked around at his new home and team. It was time to make this work.

Handing over the completed paperwork to Fury Phil knew his old friend was going to chew him a new one over the damage to the Bus. His initial delight over meeting Camilla had quickly soured when he had worked out just what she was up to. He and Camilla had known each other back when he was a senior handler in charge of operations before he was selected to run one of the dedicated strike teams. To have someone he had thought of as a friend turn around and screw him over was not a pleasant experience to say the least. He was glad he had not taken their relationship further back then, as fun as it had been at the time.  
Despite it all though seeing the people he has chosen start to pull together and work as a team filled him with happiness. Nick could stomp around shouting about “authority” all he wanted they both knew what to expect with any team Phil handled. By the book was certainly not what anyone would use to describe them, but no one could argue with the results.

Coulson slumped in his chair. When he took this post from the director he had no idea how many people that he used to have contact with he would come across. It seemed that everywhere he went he would turn over a stone and something from his past would crawl out from under it. First Camilla and now Akela. It hurt to see Amador at first. She had been one of the first agents he had been solely responsible for training and he had felt a great deal of regret over how he had handled things. Nick had thrown him on suspension when he learnt how much time and effort Phil had been spending on trying to find out if she was alive and what had happened to her. Discovering that she was actually being controlled had felt like being stabbed in the heart. His thumb rubbed idly on the underside of his ring finger. There had been no way that he was not going to do everything in his power to get Akela free. He gave a small rueful smile. She and Barton shared a lot of similarities, it was no surprise that when he had been assigned as Barton's handler Fury had brought the file to him directly. 

“Are you sure you want to handle him cheese” Nick asked staring calmly across the desk. He knew the risk he was taking assigning Barton to Coulson. It had been two years since Amador had been lost and it didn't take a genius to see how alike Barton was, but damn it Nick was desperate. Barton had gone through every other handler senior enough to take him and if Coulson could not keep him in line he knew that Barton would cut and run. The 'Amazing Hawkeye' was someone Nick desperately wanted to keep, he had plans that required people like him to make it work.  
Phil had heard the rumours about Barton, had seen the discipline forms, had signed off on various equipment requests. “He's looking for someone to trust Nick” he replied just as calmly picking up the file from the desk “Let me handle it”

Trust was what it all boiled down to. He had failed with Akela the first time around, pushed her too hard without giving her anything she felt she could believe to fall back on. It had been there, he knew she could see that now and this time she returned that trust.  
He knew that no matter what she said about just being happy to be free he would not abandon her again. He would testify at her trial and make sure she got a fair hearing. It was the least he could do.

Phil stared down at the medical report sitting innocently one his desk. Things hadn't been adding up from the start. No matter what the medical staff he had spoken to said; sprouting rubbish about traumatic events, medically induced comas, and high level analgesics he knew that he did not feel right. He had suffered his fair share of injuries before, gun shot wounds, stabbings, drowning not to mention the various 'roughings up' from being captured and having information demanded. None of them had caused him to feel so out of touch, like he was missing more time than they said he had been out for. He kept looking up expecting someone to be there, only to find himself alone and he was sure that his sleeping problems were not helping the sudden headaches. He wanted to trust May when she said that he was bound to feel different, that it did not matter how quickly the medic's managed to restart his heart, experiences like that changed you. But despite it all there was something nagging at him, telling him that something was not right. The medical report said he was fine but he would not stop digging until he got his answer, no matter what it was.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay in getting this chapter up the characters just would not talk to me, so instead have a chapter of Nick Fury.
> 
> As always not beta read so any mistakes are my own but if you notice anything please let me know so I can fix it.

Nick sat behind his desk files stacked in neat piles and equally spread out across the tables surface in front of him. Keeping track of two teams outside of shield where most of the documents, reports and requests were for his eyes only was draining.  
Nick missed having Coulson as his one good eye. The Avengers might have been Fury's dream team but Phil had been the one to put the time and effort into organising then into a unit. Nick hadn't quite realised how much of a balancing act it has all been until Phil was gone and he had had to throw everything he had into desperately keeping them together just long enough to defeat Loki.

Picking up the latest report on the Avengers He quickly skimmed through the report on their short skirmish. Ever since Loki had attacked it seemed that all manor of evil and twisted people were crawling out the woodwork, and the avengers had been kept busy around the world. Whether it was sentient science experiments and various confused animal hybrid's, robots or power hungry weapon loaded humans there was no shortage of those looking to take advantage of the chaos to gain a foothold.  
The reports from the various SHIELD agents sent to help co-ordinate all showed that as a team they seemed to be working better with each other. Battle tactics were improving as they learnt each others strengths and weaknesses and over all team injuries were decreasing.  
That though was only half the picture. Putting the report to one side he picked up the thin folder lying underneath and sat back in his chair as he flipped the cover open. Natasha's update was, as always, short: The team is now aware of the previous relationship between Clint and Phil.

Nick rubbed his hand over his face and sighed. The original plan had been to have Coulson as the official SHIELD liaison with the avengers. A dedicated handler to oversee their missions instead of the current situation of whatever suitable Level 6 Agent was available. That plan had gone out the window when a certain Norse god had broken in. Coulson had been in charge of making sure the evacuation was complete and had made it out trusting Fury to bring Clint out with him. Fury and Barton had also made it out but not in any way how it should have been. Nick still remembers seeing Barton's blue eyes staring right at him before the shot knocked him off his feet.  
The shot hit him high on his left side. Not a direct head shot like he had expected and not even a direct heart shot, but still safely within the protection of his bullet proof vest, Hawkeye after all does not miss. As he lay gasping for breath like a fish Nick struggled to understand the importance of the shot, painful enough for him to lose his grip on the case: yes, painful enough to keep him down long enough for them to get clear: yes. But not enough to kill him, in fact carefully aimed so as to try to prevent his accidental death from the impact being directly over his heart where even a bullet proof vest can't guarantee to stop the heart skipping a beat and falling into cardiac arrest.

Having to tell Phil what had happened when they regrouped on the helicarrier was rough. Watching his best friend lock down and fall back behind his friendly Agent mask as he ordered him to gather the rest of the Avengers. Nick knew that Phil was avoiding asking what was going to happen to Clint, knew that the last thing he wanted to hear was a kill order be placed on his husband. And damn it that was the last thing Fury ever wanted to have to say, especially when he knew that somewhere in that mind Clint was fighting for control enough to leave him alive. Fury was going to give Barton every chance he could to get free but promises were not something he could make.

Once again though fate and Loki, that cursed god of chaos, managed to turn everything on its head. Nick was left with an unconscious Hawkeye, hopefully Loki free, and he best friend led bled out at his feet. Unable to promise Coulson that they would get Clint back, Phil had gone on his own to confront Loki and paid the price. Then Nick himself unable to let Coulson die, had gone against everything his friend has said and used the one project that Phil was willing to resign over to bring his friend back to life.

Now though the avengers knew just what Phil had meant to Clint and he could guarantee that Stark would be digging deep into shields servers to try and find anything he could about the fallen Agent. Stark hated not knowing something and missing something so major about a team mate would not sit well with him. And if that wasn't bad enough Nick mused as he picked up a report from Agent May, it looked like Phil was starting to do some digging of his own with requests for copies and access to his medical records.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So these chapters seem to be getting a bit darker please make sure to check the tags and rating as I will update them as neccessary. Please dont get caught out reading something you dont like.
> 
> As always not beta read so any mistakes are my own. I wrote this at 3am so if you do notice anything badly wrong please let me know so I can fix it.

Since the rest of the team had found out about him and Phil Clint finally felt like he could properly grieve.  
Whilst the rest of the team had known that he needed time to get over Loki's assault, and deal with the knowledge of all the deaths he had caused. They had not realised how personal one of those deaths was.  
Sure they knew that Coulson had been his and Nat's handler for years. Obviously Phil had a connection to nearly all of the Avengers, without it they would not have come together so well to fight Loki after his death.  
But none of them knew Phil. His Phil. Not Coulson with his sharp suits, bland agent face and fierce competence. But Phil with his sleeves rolled up, his dry humour, that soft crinkle around his eyes when he smiled. They never knew Phil curled up on the couch in a soft jumper, some random TV programme on in the background, as they listened to the rain falling outside just simply happy to be safe in each others arms.  
They saw Coulson his words sharp and arms crossed as he glared down at Clint waiting as medical patched him back up, again. They didn't see the fear in his eyes for the day when Clint couldn't be patched back together. They didn't see the bags under his eyes from the sleepless nights spent waiting either for Clint to check in or with painful back sat waiting by Clint's bedside for him to wake up.

After the announcement of legal marriage the weight of the rings around his neck seemed to grow. They weighed him down, made each breath drag into his lungs. The empty feeling in him ached as he longed to feel Phil's arms around him again.  
Natasha spent more and more nights in his room. Clint knew she was grieving as well. The three of them had been like a family.  
Some nights as she sat running her fingers through his hair it was enough to send him to sleep peacefully. Other nights she was there to wake him from the nightmares that crept out in the night. And on the worst nights she was there to hold him as he gasped for breath, tears running down his face, as he woke from a dream where Phil was still alive. Sleepily reaching out only to realise that there was no-one there. It was like loosing him all over again. That gut wrenching pain the same as when he first found out after Nat took him back to Shield.

The team had split up after following Stark to the shawarma place. Not that any of them had really been hungry even Thor's subdued “Let us feast” betrayed how exhausted they really were.  
He had let Nat drag him to medical all to aware of how battered and bruised they both were. He knew once the adrenaline wore off he was going to be in a world of pain.  
He all but collapsed on the hospital bed. The lack of sleep whilst under Loki's control coupled with the bone deep ache of fatigue from the battle meant all he wanted to do was sleep.  
Groaning he rolled his head over to look at where Nat sat perched on the bed next to him resting her ankle whilst waiting to be checked over “Phil's going to kill me for jumping off that building right?”  
Natasha's eyes went wide before quickly shuttering and locking back down. The momentary loss of control spoke volumes for how tired the Black Widow actually was. But Clint knew something else was wrong, badly wrong.  
Levering himself up onto one arm he stared across at her “what?”  
Natasha sighed sadly and dropped her guard meeting Clint's gaze. Clint stared trying to work out what was wrong, though his brain felt like his thought's were swimming through treacle.  
“Phil didn't make it Clint” Nats voice was soft but her words seemed to echo in his head.  
He continued to stare at her, disbelief clear on his face “What do you mean he didn't make it” Clints voice was shaking “He has to make it. He's Phil, he always makes it”  
Tears began to fall lightly down her face as he looked at her “He went after after Loki to try and get you back Clint. Loki stabbed him. Nick found him but not in time. The medics called it”  
Clint opened his mouth but no words came out. Choked up his eyes pleaded with her, begging her to say anything but that.  
Nat reached over and held his hand “I'm sorry Clint”  
He closed his eyes sobbing as the reality sunk in and the pain felt like it would split his chest in two. He buried his face in his shoulder Nats grip on his hand a solid anchor as the wave of grief crashed over him.  
Phil was gone. Gone because of Clint. Gone because no matter how hard he tried he could not break free from Loki. Gone because his plans had not been good enough. He had not been strong enough to twist Loki's commands more. His attack has still been too good, too brutal. That whilst the Helicarrier had not gone down completely, Loki had taken Phil down instead.

Wandering around the tower now Clint just felt numb. When the rest of the Avengers had not known it has been easy to play the role they expected to see. Turn up at mealtimes. Sit through movies. When it got too much he would retreat to the range and shoot until his mind went blank again. It was like being in mission mode focusing on everything around him to keep from thinking about all that he was missing.  
Now though the team knew and no longer did he have to hide his grief. Phil would have hated to see him like this he knew. But without Phil and without the need to keep up the appearance of being OK Clint was finding it harder and harder to carry on. The world was so quiet, the colours seemed less bright and the fights they got called out for just seemed so pointless.

**Author's Note:**

> Yes I am aware that my research online shows that same sex marriage was legal in new york before the avengers movie was released but I am choosing to ignore that for the purpose of this story.
> 
> As always please let me know what you think, comments and kudos are always welcome. This story is currently half written but I'm posting this to see if it's any good before I continue.


End file.
